Thursday, November 29, 2007


In all my born days, I have never seen anyone that looks as polished as Mitt Romney. He stands there at the debates in his expensive suit, neatly buttoned, a tie, and crisp shirts. Not a hair of his head looks as though a Category Five wind would disturb it. It lays there, shining with the sheen of a Vasoline application, slicked back on his head in its proper place. Maybe it's painted on, who knows?

Another can we have a President named Mitt? It reminds me of a boy called Mutt that I went to school with. Mutt was a terror, and you soon learned to steer away from him. But perhaps I am maligning poor Mitt with this comparison, perhaps his name is really Mittford, or Mittigan, or Mitwalager. We are all victims of our parents when it comes to our names. Look at me. Lost in the valley of H'es. Perhaps Mitt is just a nickname, given him during his Little League days.

At one time, I toured the Romney vacation home on Mackinac Island in Michigan. It was for sale, an old Victorian structure resembling most of the old homes lining the streets of the island. There was a poorer section, tucked off in the hills where you didn't notice it, but Mitt was definitely one of the wealthier groups. His father, George, was our Michigan Governor for awhile. Someone asked me for my opinion of the job he did as Governor and I have to admit, I can't remember a thing about George Romney, other than the fact that a remark he made on a talk show ended his Presidential aspirations. I don't even remember what the remark was about. He was a most unmemorable man.

I do remember William Milliken, a Republican Governor, who reigned so long he was as familiar as our apple trees, as though he had taken root in our soil. He had brilliant blue eyes and a great smile and, if he met you once, four years later, he would remember your name.

I went to the Fruit Market in Detroit one early morning with a friend and accidentally left a head of celery in a sack on a bench. As I walked away toward the car, a man came running up to me, my celery in hand. He said that Governor Milliken wanted me to have the celery that time...cost me fifteen cents. I thanked him, of course, and to this day, I tell the tale, because it is the only money any politician has ever saved me, fifteen cents.

To return to Mitt Romney, he actually sounds no different than the rest of the Republican candidates, with the exception of Ron Paul. We can't elect Ron Paul. He simply isn't tall enough. If we elect Ron Paul, we may as well elect Dennis Kucinich....or perhaps both of them, sharing the Presidency. Together, they would be as big as one large man and we could probably use Kucinich's wife's hair to drape the nude statues that John Ashcroft wants to keep covered.

Fred Thompson's wife looks like his daughter and let's hope Fred is cheerier than he looks. What an old grump he resembles! His face seems to have a downward direction, with cheeks and jowels hanging down to his chest. I shouldn't criticize, because lately, I have had the same problem. John McCain looks like a newborn babe, unless you inspect his neck, which I did. Aha! That neck is not the neck of a mere lad! It reveals John for what he is....old! It takes one to know one. I spotted that neck within minutes.

Then, too, there's Huckabee. Can we have a President Huckabee? It sounds like Huckleberry, and Huckleberry sort of fits his personality, too. He jokes a lot, then his lips press together as he talks about abortion and all the Republican talking points. He definitely has refined that Republican "sniff," the one that says there are sinners out there and "Hey, look at me! I'm perfect!" He says he will instigate a Fair Tax. The IRS will be gone and, instead, you will pay about 23% on your purchases. No way are you going to buy something without paying your tax, so instead of the IRS, we'll have the PYTOE, which stands for Pay Your Taxes Or Else! So, if you never buy anything, do not eat, drink, wear clothes, or drive can stay in the lower tax brackets.

At the tail end of the Republican Row, there's that little Ron Paul. He speaks common sense and, like most politicians speaking common sense, he has to get a little angry before he can summon the courage to do it. Thus, he seems rather upset most of the time, not spitting upset like the other one, whoever he is, the one who angrily slobbers his contempt, but just a frazzled, nervous upset.

He is the only Republican Candidate who wants to get out of Iraq, which made him about two feet taller in my eyes. For some reason, young people love him, just as they loved Howard Dean. They always select this outsider, send him money, cheer him on, but he is seldom a winner. Paul raised some four or five million dollars on the Internet in a one day period of time. That beats minimum wage, you'll have to admit, and most of that money came from young folks.

We know Ron Paul will lose, because he looks like a gnome. We simply do not elect gnomes to be President. Pygmies might elect gnomes, but not Americans. We want movie stars. We want Ronald and Arnold and Fred, although....God knows...Fred has been a bit of a disappointment. He looks grumpy and, when he moves around, he looks as though he would stumble into the furniture. Can't have that in the Oval Office! I wonder if the television producers will hold onto his day job? He will undoubtedly need it.

YouTube Debates, which CNN touts as though they are sponsoring the Constitutional Convention, complete with Jefferson, Sally Jennings and all of their children, are rather a bore. The questions are mundane and the answers are vague. In fact, politicians are magicians in that way. They can speak for twenty minutes and not say a thing. It's a gift. No one can pin them down to a Yes or No reply. If you asked one of them if he had to use the restroom, he'd say, "Well, I believe that using a restroom is a national right and I encourage all citizens to insist that they retain this right, because anyone who takes away that right isn't right and we all know he isn't right, he's wrong, and I feel that we must hang on to this right".....etcetara, etcetara, borrow a phrase from the King of Siam.

This is just the beginning. These Debates, this news coverage, will go on until the next November, a full year away. By that time, we'll have seen so many Attack Ads, we will know how to get rid of our neighbors; we'll have heard so many scandalous untruths, watched the Candidates shake so many hands that we may suffer from apoplectic seizures and have to have an Electiondectomy, a very serious brain surgery that removes your frontal lobe, as well as the rear and center lobe.

This completes my coverage of the Republican Debates. Did I learn anything? Yes. I learned never to watch Republican Debates, nor Democratic Debates, for that matter. I would rather watch a good episode on Boston Legal, because you learn more from David Kelley's writing, and you can at least chuckle at those two horny Middle Aged coots, which is better than watching the Middle Aged coots lined up answering questions from YouTube.