YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD THINK TANK

It is said that the policies of our country are managed by Think Tanks, that the President and the Vice President depend upon these Think Tanks for advice.

Hearing about that, I believe I have found the perfect business for me. I can work from my home, because there is no sense in paying for an office. I won't even need a desk. I can just sit around and think.

It can't be that hard to be a Think Tank. Look at the advice they are giving the President and Cheney! Considering their poll numbers and the mess they have made of Iraq, it is obvious their Think Tank is not thinking straight. In fact, they ought to call them up daily and say, "What on earth are you thinking?"

My Think Tank needs no secretaries, no office supplies, nothing. Thinking has always been a talent I have. It's a gift. Sometimes I think when I am trying to go to sleep. I have cursed myself for thinking at these times, never dreaming I could get paid for this problem.

I can't even imagine Thomas Jefferson using a Think Tank. Just imagine....."Hi, Pete. This is Tom. I'm just wondering what you think I should say in the Bill of Rights. And what about Article III? Do you think I should declare them all equal, or should I give one or two of them a lower status? Make a report on this after you've thought about it."

No, I can't imagine that. Nor can I imagine Abe Lincoln using a Think Tank. "Hi, Abe. This is Pete over here at the Think Tank. Oh, pretty good! The kids have had the ague, but other than that, we're fine. What about you? How's Mary? That's too bad. Listen, Abe, about that speech on slavery. Don't you think you should tone it down a little? After all, somebody has to pick the cotton."

No, Think Tanks are a modern creation. Somewhere, someone in government got the erroneous idea that he could THINK. We all know that this is the one thing politicians seem to avoid. They try to get votes all right. They constantly worry about funding. They like to spend money and currently, they are spending money we don't have. But think? This is unheard-of, so why do so many of them either become Lobbyists or join Think Tanks.

Lobbyists are future Think Tank members who work for large corporations or organizations. They like to get legislation passed that is favorable to their respective causes. So, in order to do this, they evidently have to spend a lot of money buttering up the legislator and trying to get his vote. That explains why politicians seldom make any laws that benefit you or me. We can't afford to take him out to dinner. He is not going to vote in our favor for a meal at MacDonald's. It would have to be a little fancier than that!

Lobbyists sometimes foot the bill for lavish vacations, getting the money from their corporate bosses. The politicians are treated to a week in the tropics, basking in the sun, staying at luxurious hotels! If you thought you could write a letter or make a phone call to urge any legislation, think again! No politician is interested in a week at the State Park in that musty old tent, I don't care if you do furnish the marshmallows and the charcoal!

Once the Lobbyist has lobbied himself out of steam, he then joins a Think Tank. There, life is easier, if one doesn't consider the fact that he probably hasn't had a coherent thought in years. It doesn't matter. Think Tanks always recommend the usual course.....how to make more money. Spend less. Make more. Yep, don't listen to the bleeding hearts that just want to give money away. Keep the money and use it to make more money. Declare a war. That will help. Then the spoils will keep coming, lining your pockets with gold.

It will be easy to be President Bush's Think Tank, once I talk them into hiring me. When he meets with a foreign leader, I'll just arrange the Photo Op. "Smile pretty!" I'll say, and the cameras will click. Then, when the foreign leader has gone home, I will advise him on what to say. It's easy to do. "Military force is not off the table," he will say. "It is one of our options!"

I'm a natural for this job. I should have been Secretary of State, because I can wave as well or better than Condoleezza Rice, and my name is easier to spell. Even Donald Trump couldn't complain about my wave, because it is vigorous and meaningful. It gives the impression that I know what I am doing, and Condoleezza's wave has no spunk whatsoever.

Think about it! The President's Think Tank actually advised him to invade Iraq. They said we would be greeted with hugs and flowers. We would win their hearts and minds. My Think Tank knows better. Their hearts and minds are no longer an option. It's innards and blood spatter we get right now, unless they have the money to leave the country. I am toying with a way to win the war. We could simply offer all the Iraqis enough money to go to Syria. With absolutely nobody left in Iraq, the War could be declared a victory. The Surge could recede.

That's just one of the brilliant offerings of my Think Tank, but I have to think it through. Think Tanks can't just think willy-nilly. They have to ponder. Some of the President's Think Tank members have pondered so long, they have fallen into comas. Then, too, there's the problem of Cheney. He can't hunt quail with any comfort any more, so he would like to shoot off something at someone, preferably Iranian. He's a gun nut, that guy! If he can't shoot buckshot, a nuke will do just fine.

A little more thought here, a little more thought there, my Think Tank will be ready for national exposure. My motto will be "Think Green!" I know, I know. You say Al Gore already has that motto and has won a Nobel Prize for it. But no one thinks of that kind of Green in a Presidential Think Tank. The Green we like to see is Money. There is nothing environmental about that Bush. It's really a Money Tree.