DISCLOSING THE UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

Dick Cheney, as Vice President of the United States, who so diligently looks after the offices of his station, has seceded from the Union, or so I hear. He claims that his office is not a part of this Administration. Indeed, it may not even be a part of the United States. It may be, instead, a fiefdom in the Kingdom of Halliburton.

Some silly soul, who imagined that he had a little authority, requested....by subpoena...that Dick Cheney turn over some governmental papers. How dare he have such effrontery? This is what prompted Cheney to announce his succession. He doesn't have a flag yet, but I have heard that he has a pair of Scooter Libby's skivvies and plans on flying them on the flagpole as a symbol of his new empire.

Ordinarily, I would be delighted to hear that Cheney is not a part of our government. I would probably dance if I thought that Dick Cheney is not even a part of our country. But, alas, my celebration is not realistic. Dick Cheney will remain in the former Vice Presidential offices, which are now the Offices of the Official Feifdom of Halliburton and he will mentor the President from there.

For a visitor to enter the sacred gates of the former Vice Presidential offices, one will probably need a passport and a visa. Since passports are hard to come by these days, with tourists wanting to visit Canada, and with the future Surge of Hispanics becoming citizens, Cheney probably won't have many visitors anyway. He will just sit there under Scooter Libby's skivvies doing not much of anything, not too much different than what he has been doing, if one discounts the selling of a war.

Sitting there, King of his Domain, walled off from the rest of Washington, D. C., Cheney can entertain all of his friends...the CEO's of every major oil company, Henry Kissinger, and even George Bush. They can discuss certain interests, such as the Defense Funds for Indicted Republicans, which will keep them busy for an entire weekend. Then, they can relax and have a few drinks together, reminiscing about the "good old days" when Abramoff ruled K Street and a fellow could make a buck or two without the FBI on his tail.

Dick Cheney's problems have always been plentiful. First, he is not very pretty. No, he is not. He looks like a grumpy banker turning down a loan. His mouth is a slash. His eyes are small and hidden behind spectacles. He looks like a man who wants to be powerful, wants to run things. He only stops running things when he has a heart attack, which is quite often. Then he takes a few days off. Now that he will be alone in his offices, he can practice being a chubby, smiling Grandpa and stop looking so stern and gruff.

All of this will go down in the History Books as the Cheney Rebellion. Imagine that! His papers are so secret, so mysterious, so hidden that he does not want to reveal them. The undisclosed location is undoubtedly a vault, dark and gloomy, buried deep underground, lit by a single bulb, with water dripping from the ceiling. This is what will be known as the Cheney Archives, and someday, some schoolboys playing around with a soccer ball will discover the hidden cavern and bring the Cheney papers to the light of day! They will be the Cheney Family Jewels and the headlines will shout of their discovery.

With the Kingdom of Halliburton declared an independent entity, a country within a country, Cheney can lead his minions...consisting of a secretary and a valet....into becoming a part of the Coalition of the Willing. They will give no money to the Cause, nor can they send any soldiers to die for the Cause, but they can make it a little less embarassing when George makes his speeches about the Coalition.

Do you see how perfect this is? No more Undisclosed Location. We will know where Cheney is at all times. The best part of it is, it will keep him away from guns.