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BROADCAST FROM STATION NUTZ IN BAGHDAD. GOOD MORNING WITH MOHAMMED AL SALAMI
Good morning, all of you listeners, this is Mohammed al Salami reporting from Baghdad, bringing you the news of the day.
Fifty bodies were found in a ditch early this morning. That is five more than yesterday morning. President al Miliki said that this is disgraceful. He would like to see those numbers reduced to twenty or thirty bodies. He said that much will be done to improve the situation, as soon as he returns from his two-month vacation.
President Bush made an announcement that the American Surge is working and that 10,000 more troops will arrive here, as soon as they can figure out what to promise the high school dropouts to entice them to become recruits.
The Iraqi Police are doing a good job. Yesterday, only thirty of them deserted, twenty of them hid under the rubble when the battle began, and forty of them were found in a room drinking Miller's Lite and watching CNN's report on Paris Hilton. Soon, they will be able to take over in Iraq, according to U. S. estimates.
The lines of automobiles waiting for gas at local stations has caused bottlenecks in some areas. Funding is being provided for research on Alternative Fuel, but all efforts to create Ethanol from sand have failed. The local government has said that Iraqi gas profits will fund the research, as soon as they figure out where these profits are.
The Sunni are protesting that they do not have representation in the new government. They staged a walkout yesterday just before they walked back in.
One more Honor Killing took place just outside the city yesterday. The family claimed their daughter had disgraced them by glancing at a man from a different religious faith. Officials have said this kind of behavior is inexcusable, and no parent should have to endure such humiliation.
Forty more suspected insurgents were arrested and jailed yesterday. After they are tortured, confessions are expected and the executions will take place on the following day. An official who has requested anonymity has told us that these executions are practice sessions, since previous hangings have resulted in heads rolling across the floors of execution chambers.
Several explosions were heard in the night around the Green Zone. It was suggested that green is the wrong color to use for this conclave. Sand hues might be less conspicuous, it was said, and would illustrate to the world the Iraqi concern for Global Warming, since hardly anything green grows here.
In keeping with that philosophy, a new battle has been planned for the near future, called the Heavenly Sand Storm. This battle is rumored to be even fiercer than Fallujah, with the use of Divine Weapons. With God on the side of American troops, and Allah on the side of Iraqi insurgents, Heaven only knows who will win.
Bodies outside the morgues in Baghdad are piling up. If you are missing a relative, authorities are urging you to drop in to the Blessed Allah Funeral Emporium Open House. Tea will be served.
Reconstruction efforts have come to a halt in Iraq. This is because the electric saws will only work two hours a day because of our electrical problems, and these two hours happen to coincide with daily prayers. Handsaws will not alleviate the problem, since one must engage the wrong hand to use them.
Rumor has it that terrorist leader Osama bin Laden may be in Iraq. Some folks think he is residing in Saddam's Hidey Hole. It is low rent, comfy and perfect for making home videos.
Ali's Restaurant has closed. A bomb struck there yesterday, just as Ali was cleaning dates. The resultant wounds are life-threatening, with Ali suffering from a barrage of flying dates, some of them stuck in his body like reporters embedded with troops.
Two American officials are planning to visit Iraq this weekend. Plans are made to provide armored vests, snipers, and two battalions to protect them. Folks are hoping John McCain is making a return visit, since he knows how pleasant it is to shop in Baghdad markets. Special rugs have been woven for him. He can either take them home with him, or wrap up in them during missile attacks.
That's it for today, folks. Just remember to tune in to NUTZ for your up-to-the-minute news. If a loud explosion is heard, the news will be delayed for a short period of time. This is Mohammed Al Salami, your wandering newscaster, reporting.