HAIL THE CZAR OF WAR!

Here I am, on a Saturday night, when I should be out enjoying cocktails and dancing with a doting billionaire, sitting down at my computer and mulling over the problems in the world. One of those problems is the scarcity of doting billionaires, but we needn't go into that.

One of the puzzles facing us all this week is the appointment of a War Czar. I don't know why Washington keeps calling people "Czars." We all know what happened to the last Russian Czar and his family, so why don't we leave the "Czars" in the shadows and use a new moniker, like War Chief. War Chief may sound like a relic from the past, when Chief Pontiac led attacks on the Michigan settlers, but at least the name sounds American. Native American, at that.

What in tarnation does a War Czar do? As Czar of Wars, does he look around for new wars? Could we e-mail him if we decide upon a good time for a new war? Does he supervise all wars, and keep all of those foreign names in order....Al Bologna, El Lasagna, Al Macaroni, Mohammed Attaboy? Or perhaps the Iraqi tribes....Sunni, Shiite, Kurds and Whey?

Or, as I suspect, is he the one making up those names for the Divine Weapons? Like the Long Arm of the Lord Nuclear Splatterer, or the Divine Spirit of Shattered Body Parts. That would be a creative part of the job, and one that could while away a lot of billable hours. Of course, the War Czar would command a hefty salary, because everyone knows that wars are a huge responsibility.

We don't have a Peace Czar, because peace is so mundane, it can take care of itself, without much attention. One certainly doesn't have to appoint a manager for peace. It doesn't need a Czar, a Commander Guy, or a Decider to handle matters. A smile and a handshake usually suffices, or maybe a treaty to file away in a desk drawer.

That's not all that we have to worry about this week. There's Paul Wolfovitz, who has joined the ranks of the unemployed. I don't know if he has applied for his Unemployment Benefits yet, but I can testify to the fact that those benefits hardly cover the cost of groceries. Wolfovitz, after he ceased figuring out ways to fight the Iraq War at the very beginning when they were looking for reasons to fight, went to work for the World Bank. I can't think of a more prestigious, frightening establishment than the World Bank. I bank in a smalltown establishment, hardly bigger than a McDonald's restaurant. Imagine a bank that handles things for the whole world!

Wolfovitz had a girlfriend and, it is said, provided a great job and a cushy salary for this gal. This is against the rules of the World Bank and I wouldn't be surprised if it is against the rules at my bank, too. But we all know that rules aren't exactly the Bush Buddies' cuppa tea! Anyway, he was forced out and so now we have to think about another job for him.

It might be better if he stayed away from banks, at least for a while. And there are no Iraq Study Groups to drum up reasons for a war or, if there are such groups, they would be handled by the War Czar, so that position is already filled.

We can only hope that there is no Iran Study Group, because that Axis of Evil speech still makes one nervous. We can only hope we won't hear about a letter where the president of Iran is purchasing anything from Niger, not even a bag of potato chips. And we can only hope we won't be subjected to another presidential tour of the country, telling us all about the Global War on Terror and the Coalition of the Willing.

I don't know how the Global War on Terror ended up in Iraq, when there are so many other places on the globe. I have heard it said it was because of those huge, wasted, silent oil reserves. Now, how could anyone think that? That person ought to have his head examined. He has no right to be reasonable in this difficult era. It isn't allowed.

As for the Coalition of the Willing, it reminds me of a teacher's conference. If one is a parent, one is duty bound to attend, but it is usually with reluctance. There are degrees of willingness, and sometimes one is not quite as willing as it is possible to be. Actually, it did not make one feel too much safer knowing that the Marshall Islands were on our side, even if they were very, very willing.

The truth is, a good portion of our country believes that God is on our side. George Bush said he talked to God about the War in Iraq and I presume that he feels that God gave him the go-ahead. He has had a lot more luck talking to God than I have. Usually, when I ask God a question, he maintains a stoic silence. He just leave me hanging, forced into figuring out my own answers. I obviously don't have the connections that our president has.

Anyway, after God told Bush that War is a good thing and weapons Divine, people decided that God is on our side. He is not on the Muslim side, because although they seem to believe in God, they call him Allah. How weird is that! Naturally God will be on the side the people who call him God. Anyone knows this!

So, with Wolfovitz unemployed, the War Czar looking after things, the Marshall Islands supporting us, and God on our side, how can we lose? We'll just establish ourselves in that fabulous Embassy that will house thousands of people and have the Czar look around for another War. Our future is assured.