Friday, August 04, 2006


I am trying to interest television producers in my new idea for a show....."America's Fallen Idols!" This is bound to be a money-maker, the granddaddy of all Reality Shows, as we present the recent shocking scandals and the celebrities who cause them. The audience will vote for the winner at the end of the program, with phone lines open for hours afterward, maybe even days. And the winner of the Year's Greatest Scandal Award, America's Fallen Idol, will receive a gold-plated trophy, an autographed copy of Ann Coulter's latest slime, and a free six month vacation at the Rehabilitation Clinic of their choice.

Our judges have to be carefully hand-picked. First, we have to find the British one, who is forthright and insulting, the kind of fellow you'd like to backhand, while at the same time you become intrigued with his use of vulgarity. This is obligatory! Then, too, we must have the sympathetic, compassionate woman, a little vulnerable, but pretty enough to be forgiven anything. And, of course, a little racial mix is always good, so we'll find us a popular, fun-loving Black to round out our trio.

The thing is, this show does not feature people with talent. Who cares about talent, anyway? This show is about scandal. This show reaches in to the psyche and helps America destroy its celebrities, a favorite pastime. First, we build them up, then we feel it is our duty to drag them down. And they unfailingly help us do it.

Every new show has to have a pilot, to guide it to a safe landing. Our pilot goes as follows:

Of course, our first contestant is Mel Gibson. Mel enters with a contrite smile on his face and recounts his experiences on the night of his arrest. He will recall his vile statements about Jews and tell us about the open bottle in his car. Then, to make things even more interesting, he will go into his long struggle with alcoholism. It will be a pathetic story, sure to bring tears to the eyes of the most hard-hearted listener.

Of course, Mel passes muster with every judge, even our British fop, who mutters something about "That bloody tale sounds like the sob story of every drunken sod that's ever weaved through traffic!" But the female judge whacks the British one with her purse, and Mel is allowed to stay.

Next up is Brittney Spears. Yes, Mrs. Federline appears to tell us how she drove her car with her baby on her lap. An exciting, hairraising tale of adventure, she will hold the audience mesmerized, clad as she is in her bosom-baring blouse and her short shorts. She will go into the fact that poor Kevin is the love of her life, totally mistreated by the public, and explain that she can't help it if she stumbled and almost dropped her baby.

She passes muster, too, even though our British judge says she reminds him of a "cheap, Cabaret act."

Now come Charlie Sheen. The girls in the audience go wild as this handsome young man tells his story of a wild youth, spent in bars and bordellos, an even wilder adulthood, spent in bars and bordellos, and a broken marriage, spent in....well, you know what I mean. In fact, his wife is claiming he threatened her, and now she is involved with the husband of the next contestant, Heather Locklear, who tells of her agonizing loss, as the audience weeps.

Our British judge cuts Charlie off, passes the whole group through to the next show, and mutters, "That bloke is clearly insane!"

One scandal after another is presented as our audience cheers and applauds. Never before has there been such a revealing evening, with celebrity after celebrity telling us of their exploits. Paris Hilton appears, along with her sister Nikkie; as well as Jessica Simpson and Ashley. Hugh Grant explains his humiliation. Arnold Schwarzenegger explains his penchance for groping.

Our British judge slumps in his seat and declares that the whole business is boring. This is just before the Dixie Chicks come onstage, to tell their tale of woe.

"I said I was ashamed Bush is from Texas," explains the little country singer.

"I don't understand, who is she talking about?" asks the British judge. "What bush? Was someone hiding behind a bush? Did he have clothes on? Is that the scandal?"

"Bush is the President," explains our Compassionate Judge. "His Base wasn't happy about her criticism."

"A Base? As in baseball? Your President has a Base? Did he steal it? Is that the scandal?"

"Oh, never mind," said the Compassionate Judge, turning away.

The Dixie Chicks didn't make it to the next show. And, when the votes were counted, Mel Gibson beat Charlie Sheen by four million votes. And Mel promised that, next week, he'll bring those tapes of his arrest and really knock the socks off the audience!

"I'm really not an Anti-Semite," he explained. "I'm just your average, friendly, neighborhood Pro Semite! Just because I filmed them killing Jesus is no reason to dislike them!"