GAYS AND A DAMNED GOOD PARTY!

I can't understand a country where it is considered better to leave children in foster homes or, worse yet, a parade of foster homes, than to allow Gay couples to marry and provide homes for these children. Our country is filled with foster homes where children are placed when there are troubles with their own families or when they are orphaned, and even the best foster home in the world falls short when compared to a permanent family where one is a treasured member!

I suppose it is because many people fear that the children might discover their custodians are Gay. What a shock! Far better to have no parents at all, with this line of thought! But then, are children the judges of their parents' sex life? From my experience with children, they wouldn't have cared if I bedded a horse, as long as I hauled my fanny out to prepare their breakfast.

Somehow I missed out on the prejudice against Gays. I have no feelings about Gays at all. I don't care. Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn! If my neighbor is Gay and has a live-in boyfriend, I would probably be oblivious to the fact. And, even if I wasn't, I would consider it about as interesting as those constant Life Insurance offers I get in the mail.

I think that I was born when the word "Gay" meant "Happy, frivolous or delightfully merry." We had Gay Divorcees and Gay Young Bachelors. One could feel Gay without Guilt. I don't know who changed the meaning of that word. Back when I was young, everyone called homosexuals "queers." I would far rather be called Gay than Queer, so perhaps that explains the progression of the word. Today, something queer is usually a description of what went on in Congress that day. Definitely strange. And homosexuals have become Gay. Jeannette McDonald and Nelson Eddy must be rolling in their graves.

Imagine that, as I approach my eighties, some companies still want to insure me! They have more faith in my ability to keep breathing than I do. Each night, as I watch television, I notice a pang here and a pang there and I am convinced that this is it! The Big Mystery is upon me, finally calling me home. Then I go to bed and wake up again, still surviving!

I call Death the Big Mystery because that is what it is! There is no actual proof we do not sink into a void at the moment of death, kaput, a void, a black emptiness! Like most people, I cling to the belief that there is a God, a Heaven, a Reward for being a Good Girl and not beating my children or spitting at people. But who knows? My only regret is that, if it is a void, I will not be able to face that rabidly religious neighbor who used to preach at me and be able to say, "I told you so!"

That would be vastly satisfying, but I fear it will never happen.

Some people believe in reincarnation. This theory always makes me nervous. Suppose I pass on and am reincarnated as a poor Arab suicide bomber? I would be a martyr in the eyes of my family instead of the slightly eccentric plump matron I am in this lifetime. I will only believe in reincarnation if I can be in charge of selecting my next identity. Filthy rich, please, pencil slim, and ravishly beautiful!

But I wander, as I am wont to do. I was speaking of Gays and our National resentment of their existence. The debate about Gays is divided into two beliefs.....those who believe a homosexual actually CHOOSES to be homosexual, which is mystifying, if true, because it seems to be a life of utter misery at times....and those who believe that homosexuality is an accident of birth, a gene, or some knot in that twisted thread that programs our lives.

The very radically religious group, our avid Bible Thumpers, believe that homosexuals not only choose to be that way, but can change. They have all sorts of programs that promote this change, and claim these are successful. I honestly doubt it. Imagine sending your heterosexual self off to a camp somewhere where you are told that you cannot look with desire at someone of the opposite sex. They would have to work hard to make me think George Clooney wasn't imminently desirable. Even if I claimed I was "cured", I would be lying. I'd jump into bed with George in a minute if he showed any interest in slightly older women!

I tend to believe the "gene" theory, that homosexuals are born, not made. Thus, they can no more help being homosexual than one can help being blue-eyed or pigeon-toed. And, if this theory is scientifically true, we are certainly putting people through a great deal of misery over something they cannot control. That's always fun, but not fair.

One of the things that homosexuals have done that has definitely not helped their "Cause", which is national acceptance as normal people, is to hold that ridiculous parade in San Francisco, where they all look like painted cariactures. On the other hand, if one has ever visited New Orleans before Katrina turned it into a swamp, those Mardi Gras costumes are pretty outlandish, too! So I guess one cannot judge people by their parades, unless it is the North Koreans when they show off their military. Did you ever see such a sight, row upon row of marching marionettes, with that peculiar leg thrust forward gait? Spooky!

Anyway, Gay Marriage is frowned upon in our country, and Congress is busily trying to pass a Constitutional Amendment banning it. The War, Job Cuts, Lack of Health Care....these are not priorities. Gay Marriage is far more important, along with Internet Gambling.

The thing about Internet Gambling is simple. This is money being spent that they are unable to pocket. Somehow Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff missed these funds. This cannot be tolerated. We have to ban Internet Gambling, so that Congress can grab the money and give themselves another raise.

But can't you just imagine the announcement of a retaliatory homosexual event?....."You are invited to a Mock Marriage where George and Tom will exchange vows of lasting and eternal love in a lavish Flag-Burning ceremony to be held in Dick Cheney's Undisclosed Location. Guests will enjoy a banquet of barbequed bits of Mad Cow, infected chickens and tainted pork, followed by Internet Gambling in the main ballroom. Entertainment will be provided by the Zell Miller Zoot Suiters, who drool melodically through their flutes, while Zell strums his harp."

Now there's a party I would enjoy attending!