Monday, July 18, 2005


The Baghdad Realty Guide is published periodically to assist those seeking real estate ventures in this land of opportunity. As you know, the Bush Administration has told us that things are looking very rosy in New Iraq, with its citizens embracing freedom and with Democracy in the air! Thus, a real estate boom is expected. For more information on the properties listed, please contact this office for further facts and for viewing. An armored vehicle is available to take you to the sites, however, drivers are sometimes difficult to find, so viewing is by appointment only. Some properties may not be available for viewing due to unforeseen circumstances. However, we here at Realty Guide are dedicated to helping the homebuyer in every way possible, even arranging for armed guards if necessary.

Baghdad Fixer Upper - this is the perfect property for the handyman...the very, very handy man. It was formerly a three bedroom home, but is now one big room with an open air view of the street outside, plenty of room for a veranda where cookouts can be held, once the debris is cleared.

Waterfront Property - this lovely stretch of sand boasts a small home with property stretching along the riverfront. The home has a small entryway perfect for a Home Decontamination Chamber for use after swimming in the river. Electricity is available for several hours on some days and no septic is necessary, since all sewage drains into the river.

Studio Condominium - located within the alleyways of Baghad's Olde Towne, this lovely, lofty condo is located close to markets and stores, and is located next door to an Iraqi Police Recuiting Station. The former owner tells us that the thick walls almost completely block out the sound of gunfire and exploding bombs.

Family Duplex - This spacious home is made more interesting by the intriguing rabbit's warren of tunnels dug beneath it, the perfect place for summer cooling and forays with the children while playing Batman or Cowboys and Indians. The tunnels lead to a nearby mosque and the sound of chanting echoes through the chambers to lull the home's occupants at least five times a day.

Starter Home - This charming bungalow was once a six-bedroom mansion, but its size has been considerably reduced by what we call "spontaneous events", and the home is now the perfect spot for that young couple looking for a cozy place to start their home owning careers, or for the retiree seeking adventure. Just a stone's throw from Au Ghraib prison, one can watch stone throwing events for their evening recreational pleasure.

Vacant Palace - once containing artwork and Biblical artifacts worth millions, depicting the beginning of Christianity, this marvelous structure is now empty, but its former magnificence still echoes within the walls that are left standing. Some of the rubble has interesting Gothic shapes and the graffiti further enhances the atmosphere of antiquity. Great for that interpreneur who wishes to invest his tax cut. Mortgage loans are available at the Booming Bank of Baghdad that had offices on Main Street, but have now been forced to do business from the trunk of the bank manager's car.

Airport Luxury - this property is for the world traveler who wants to be able to hop a plane at a moment's notice to embark for exotic foreign locations, or get out of Iraq fast. At the moment, a checkpoint is located in front of the property, and a few bombed out vehicles litter the yard, but airport noise is no problem, since the aircraft dare not fly too low. This one is a steal!

American Dream - this lovely home has been reconstructed three times and perhaps this time will be the last, or so we hope. It has everything needed for comfortable living and the huge windows are of bombproof Plexiglass, with reinforced walls and roomy closets large enough to contain the entire family during an attack. Great Buy. Must sell.

Huge Restaurant - although the Baghdad Realty Guide does not usually carry business property, we could not resist including this promising business location to our roster. This roomy restaurant, located in the midst of Baghdad's business district, is a sure money maker for the industrious restauranteur. Electricity may be restored within a few weeks. If you are a female, wear a head cover when you are viewing this amazing property. The price is right. Ask for Mohammed.

This concludes our list of realty available at this moment, but more will be added to our list as reconstruction continues.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are something else. I haven't decided what that might be, but I sure am having a helluva time reading whatever it is you are. A writer? Well, of course! That's it! I am very wise to have come to that conclusion, eh?

I only read the first two stories but I shall be back. They are too good to just run right over, I need to slow down and savor the irony and the comedy (sad as it is sometimes).

Have you visited Hoss yet? He is also a writer of sorts. Very difficult to describe. He is a nitwit and a clown and a goofball.
Yes, that'll about do it. Hah.

"See" you later, girlfriend.
~~~Lorraine and Rambo

6:57 PM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am interested in the Vacant Palace. When can you have it brought to me for a showing? I am in Oregon, which is easily accessible by air and sidewalk.

(Lorraine sent me here. She is kinda nuts, like you.)

3:21 PM  
Blogger Herma Snider said...

Horsetail - Lorraine is much nuttier than I am. She has a military background, working for that General, and so she has the necessary background for super Nutdom. I just love your handle..I am quite fond of old horsetails, but can do without the snakes.

The castle is ready for you. We will view it as soon as the smoke clears and the sand settles.

4:51 PM  

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