Friday, June 03, 2005


Hermaland News is dedicated to reporting up-to-minute news from all corners of the world. We are fair and balanced...well, tilted in one direction or another at times...but determined to keep our readers attuned to the fluctuating events and political nuances taking place around the globe. We are the only major news agency that reports yesterday's news tomorrow and tomorrow's news yesterday. We don't know what that means, but you won't either, so don't worry about it.

As you know, Deep Throat has been unmasked, and everyone has been talking about it, with interviews given by W. Mark Felt's daughter, Woodward and Bernstein, the Felt milkman, his next door neighbor and a kid who just happened to be walking down the street in front of the Felt house. We interviewed him and asked him what he thought of Deep Throat's behavior.

"I dunno," he said. "I tried to see that movie, but they wouldn't let me in."

George W. Bush, General Tommy Frank, and Donald Rumsfeld have all issued statements that Americans can feel pleased about the situation in Iraq, despite what is reported by the media. They stated that "we are making progress".

After Hermaland News investigated the situation, we're happy to report that this is true. An Iraqi policemen recently progressed from Wahabi Street down two blocks to Main Street without getting blown to bits. Our leaders speak the truth.

More Koran abuse reported, in Guantanamo and in Iraq. One guard, it is said, kicked the Koran. The guard, it is said, claims he was simply playing a harmless childhood game called Kick the Koran, but couldn't find a tomato soup tin.

More instances of abuse were described and it was stated that a guard scrawled two swear words in English on the flyleaf of a Koran. Army leaders, it is said, upon hearing about this, made immediate plans to teach young guards Arabic.

The Republicans are asking that all churches join in the political effort. Brochures containing information about candidates and issues will be made available in the nation's churches and pastors will be asked to urge their parishioners to vote. Our reporter asked one Republican official what he thought about the Separation of Church and State.

"Oh, no!" he replied. "I didn't even know they had married."

President Bush, as usual looking after the immediate needs of his constituents, is still embarking on his cross country tour to convince folks to accept his Social Security plan. Upon hearing of the cost of gas for this trip on Air Force One, taxpayers have been complaining. Why, they ask, is there a need for Air Force One, as well as Helicopter One, and all those huge, presidential limousines for his entourage?

They are suggesting that Bush be transported in Mini-Cooper One, which will be followed by a fleet of bicycles, handlebars equipped with red, white and blue streamers and horns capable of tooting six bars of Hail to the Chief.

North Korea is a worry, because they have refused to give up their nuclear program. We have asked China to speak very firmly to North Korea and tell them we will not tolerate any nuclear ambitions and to ask them immediately halt their nuclear program. China has refused to do this, probably because they are not worried about North Korea lobbing a nuclear bomb at Them, so they just don't want to get involved.

This has made us so miffed at China that we may start borrowing money from someone else. We warned them that we may soon start calling their eateries Freedom Buffets.

The abuse trial of Michael Jackson has gone to the jury. If it had lasted much longer, it was feared that the wraithlike defendant would disappear completely. The prosecution brought on many witnesses who claimed Michael Jackson is an abuser. The defense brought on an equal number who claimed he is not. So far, they have proven Michael is mighty darned peculiar, but not as mighty darned peculiar as his accuser's family, who have a history of suing celebrities and department stores and profiting from it.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said "the rich are different from you and me"...and he was right. They get sued more.

President Bush is pretty bummed out about the Amnesty International Report which called our prison camps "gulags". At a press conference, he called the Amnesty report "absurd"....two syllables....but couldn't quite make it to three syllables and pronounce "dissemble". In an effort to overcome this, full speed ahead, all engines humming, he called the folks bumming him out "disassemblers"...four syllables.

Probably, after the Press Conference was over, he practiced a few four letter, one syllable words.

That's the news for today, folks. We were going to throw in a little financial news, but we've depressed you enough as it is. So, until next time, au revoir, amigos, and sayonara! You can say this for the French, they sure know how to say goodbye.