Thursday, September 14, 2006


President Bush has convinced me to be afraid. I am afraid of terrorists, as he says I should be. He's being pretty tough about it, too, not like those weak, lily-livered Liberals, who just want to Cut and Run. Many Americans are just like me, just as frightened as the president says we should be, but at a loss as to what to do about it. Many of us live in small towns and rural areas and simply do not know how to conduct ourselves in our fearful state of gibbering, slavering fear. We want to be alert, but it isn't easy when your town has only one K-Mart and a Starbucks and a few rural roads. Sometimes Fear isn't easy to combat.

So, to help out my fellow small-towners who are sensible enough to shiver in their boots as the president seems to want them to do, I have compiled this Handy Guide for Tough Terror Tactics. This booklet consists of things that every American can do to ward off Terrorists, other than obvious defensive moves, like stay off airplanes and stay out of tall buildings and vote for George Bush, which is the gist of whole thing. Be Scared and vote Republican. How's that for a Campaign slogan?

1. Always watch for terrorists. If you see a man in a turban, call the authorities. Dark-haired, dark-eyed people are also suspect. Try to stay in a blue-eyed, blonde crowd.

2. While in a grocery store, take note of what your fellow shoppers are purchasing. Rice is suspicious, and curry powder....well, give a nod to a security officer for that. If the store doesn't have a security officer, but only has a Greeter, a nod will not suffice. You'll have to shout. The Elderly are often hearing impaired.

3. Carefully avoid anyone older than ten carrying a backpack.

4. Suspicious packages should be reported, even if they are in a grocery cart being pushed by a woman with three children in tow. Terror comes in many shapes and forms. Even liquids are suspect these days, so watch that fellow casually carrying that Coke.

5. Watch bridges. Most small towns do not have tall buildings, but all do have bridges or overpasses, so one must approach them with caution and survey any person wandering around them. Heaven only knows how commerce would be disrupted if terrorists blew up the Main Street overpass. Students would be off school for days and the town policeman wouldn't be able to hand out a single ticket.

6. Prepare for emergencies. If your area is gassed, you are advised to get as low to the ground as possible and skitter away as fast as you can. If you live on a farm, try to teach the cows to hunker down. We are advised to have water and emergency provisions on hand for an emergency. If the attack is nuclear, you're on your own. As the saying goes, you can run, but you can't hide.

7. Keep a battery radio on hand, lest you forget the fact that you are supposed to be frightened and start living normally. As long as the president is making speeches, he is going to talk about the War on Terror, so tune in to refresh your fear. He claims that the War in Iraq is keeping terror away. Better there than here, he says. But what if some terrorists decides it's better here than there, since "there" doesn't sound too pleasant these days? This is why we must all be vigilant.

8. Protect yourself from looters. Yes, if terror strikes, it will be a dog-eat-dog world! Some predator may decide to rob you of your carefully-preserved store of Pork and Beans. So be prepared to defend yourself. If you don't own a weapon, borrow one from a Republican. They talk about Guns, God and Gays. So, say a prayer, and cuss out the looters while claiming they are all Gays, then you will probably get use of the gun.

9. If terrorists invade your household, it may be necessary to grab a towel, wrap it around your head and face Mecca. Your wife can wrap a bedsheet around her, veiling the hair. Praise Allah and ask them if they like Pork & Beans.

10. Go shopping. After 9/11, this was the president's advice. Now, if the minimum wage were raised and the jobs weren't outsourced, we could shop a little more. But, do your best. After all, each purchase you make uplifts the Chinese economy and, if we have to borrow from them, we want them to have enough money to loan. Heaven knows, we can't finance the War on Terror with our own money. We gave that to Halliburton.

With this Handy Guide, you should be able to fear terror correctly, without wasting a drop of that fear with indiscriminate trembling or shivering. Franklin Roosevelt once said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself, and the Bible itself says, "Fear Not!" But George Bush say the War on Terror will be with us for a long, long time and he should know more than FDR or God, shouldn't he?