Friday, January 27, 2006


Because we have been apprised of the domestic wiretapping going on in our country, I thought I should prepare this Handy Guide for Wiretapping Safety, or How to Avoid Big Trouble. Without careful thought, the average person can blunder into situations beyond his control, and let’s face it, few of us want to have four or five men in black suits and ties rummaging through our garbage cans. How would we explain THAT to our neighbors?

First, we will explore telephone usage. One must be very careful in what is said, in order to avoid problems. For instance, no matter how rotten a movie might have been that you attended the night before, one simply cannot call up a friend and say, “What a bomb!” No! No! No! Call it a stinker! Call it a piece of crap! But stay away from comparison to explosives in all matters.

Some folks who have insisted upon explosive comparisons in their speech have disappeared mysteriously, swept up in the night by operatives, drugged, diapered and swept off to Libya or some such country, where black-clad professional torturers apply their crafty methods, pulling out fingernails and tongues. To avoid this is paramount, even if the movie you saw was that Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck atrocity.

Never call anyone named Mohammed. If you have met a Mohammed, immediately nickname him Joe or Pete or Bill. The name Mohammed would immediately cause those hidden ears to perk up and take interest. This is usually an easy rule, because most of us do not know a single Mohammed.

However, most of us have heard an awful lot about that scoundrel, Osama bin Laden, during the past few years. When speaking of him over the telephone, call him by his full name. You don’t want to be bouncing around such phrases as “Osama this….or Osama that….Osama said.” They might just get the idea you are on a first name basis with that desert rat. So keep things formal.

Besides telephones, the Powers That Be are exploring e-mail messages and Internet use in the War Against Terror. You certainly don’t want them to declare War on you, so it is better to be safe than sorry. Even if you are a flaming, Pinko, devil-loving, communistic, sinful-living Liberal, you must convince them you are loyal to the ruling party. Begin all e-mail communications and telephone conversations with a lusty “Hail Bush!”. Toss a lot of references to God into your messages. For instance, claim that God told you to write the message in the first place. Follow this up with a “Hallelujah” and eventually, an “Amen”.

It never hurts to describe your extreme gratitude to George Bush for the blessings he has brought upon you. Do what you must to escape the fierce and glowing eye of retribution, who may be reading what you write.

If these snooping Powers do fix you with a suspicious eye, despite your efforts, you have two courses of action. You can be brazen, arrogantly insisting upon your innocence and demanding access to your lawyer. This has been tried before and doesn’t seem to work. Even Supreme Court judges seem to be a bit confused about this Access to Lawyers bit. This is undoubtedly why Bush is trying to straighten out the Supreme Court and get them on the right path.

Your second alternative action is to Run like Hell. I know that seems cowardly, but let’s admit it, even Dick Cheney was deferred four times. So head for that Mexican border. There is so much traffic heading North that they won’t even notice a lone straggler heading South. Once you are in Mexico, keep running in the same direction. Perhaps Chavez will take you in. If not, find an old rubber tire and float to Cuba.

Rather than becoming a Man Without a Country, it is time to reflect on the whole affair. Perhaps it is far better for all of us to ditch our telephones and stop using our computers. Ditching phones will be easy, especially those pesky cellphones plastered to the ears of grocery shoppers and drivers these days, with their limited calls and their varying rules and their astounding charges. By giving up all communication, we can bring the economy to a screeching halt and avoid worrying about this wiretapping problem. Besides that, perhaps we could visit each other once in a while instead of just calling or writing.

This Guide should be followed at all time and consulted before any form of communication. Remember, we live in perilous times. I am writing this to help fellow citizens, Praise God, and extend blessings for all that has been given me. Amen and Hail Bush!