Thursday, December 22, 2005


Hermaland News is brought to you in the interest of Freedom of the Press. Since we hear that George Bush is paying newspapers in Iraq to print good news, otherwise known as Propaganda, we have offered our services to bring some of this to our own country. However, we have had some trouble locating good news. The good news is that we will continue to bring you the bad news without being paid for it.

President Bush has made four or five speeches telling us how wonderful it is that the Iraqi now have the prospect of freedom, and then the election is held, and the majority seem to want an oppressed Islamic state. Are we being asked to make sacrifices for another one of those?

Now the Sunni are claiming election fraud and want to pitch the whole thing out and try again. The Democrats in Ohio had the same feeling following the last election. Are the Iraqi learning American practices? Are we winning their hearts and minds, or teaching them Cheating 101?

Then it was announced that the convoy of the Electrical Minister has been attacked and left injured. The Electrical Minister? I hear that the Iraqi have only about two hours of electricity daily, so it must be a part-time position.

The price of gas has tripled in Iraq, which is a problem because many of the Iraqi are unemployed. Boy, we ARE teaching them to be like Americans, aren't we?

We are considering a long, very expensive, billion-dollar Wall to be erected between the U.S. Border and the Border of Mexico. This will be known as the Great Wall of America and will bring many tourists to this oppressed area. It is hoped that it will keep the illegal immigrants out of the U.S., except for the lucky few we allow to help us pick fruit. The U.S. is broke, with budget cuts slashing help for the poor, but Congress refused to consider a chicken wire wall.

At the same time the budget cuts are slashing help for the poor, Congress considered tax cuts that benefit the rich. They do like to balance things out, or so they say.

General Motors has hit an all-time low and will be laying off 30,000 or so employees. China, however, has a booming economy and is using our payments on the interest of our loans to invest in military and industrial expansion. They are supposedly the reason our fuel prices are so high, as they gobble up the market.

It's going to be embarrassing to see Americans traveling around in rickshaws, while the Chinese drive the cars. We do owe the Chinese some gratitude. They did invent fireworks. Without the Chinese, we might not have been able to enjoy Shock & Awe. But it would be nice if they forgot about this military buildup. I've seen pictures of their Army marching in demonstrations and they are in perfect lock-step. Better than the Rockettes. It's scary.

New York City has suffered from an all-out mass transit strike. Mayor Bloomberg has been darned angry about the strikers breaking a non-strike law. A judge is levying a huge fine on the strikers and may slam them in jail. In the meantime, New Yorkers are walking! Walking! No American should be forced to do this! Even Thomas Jefferson didn't walk! The President has not visited the strike area, because the rule is that four people must ride in a car before it is allowed in the city. Limos have to hold at least ten people and he can't get ten to sign the Oath of Bush Allegiance.

There has been a problem with our American Christmas lawn displays. Across the country, in Nativity displays, someone is stealing Baby Jesus. Some think it is the work of the evil minions of Satan, so if you see any of these minions, please inform the authorities. Others believe it is the pranks of adolescents. Some say there is little or no difference between the evil minions of Satan and adolescents, but they are usually parents, so their beliefs are only temporary and should be ignored.

George Bush and his cohorts have been listening in to our phone calls. I hope they didn't get too bored with my last one, when I hung on the line for forty minutes, trying to get through to the phone company. If you aren't a terrorist before you endure a call like that, you are apt to turn into one during it. Try listening to a computerized voice when you are extremely Hearing Impaired. You don't know which number to punch, but you do feel like punching the person who created this system.

This "wiretapping" is causing a furor in the country, because wiretapping without a court order is illegal. Of course, President Bush feels it is necessary for National Security reasons. He is NOT wiretapping political offices. Honest Injun! No truth to that at all! Who would do such a dastardly thing? No lies there....maybe a little misinformation...faulty intelligence, you know! Nobody's perfect!

Patrick Fitzgerald is still pursuing the leaker of the Valerie Plame name. A new Grand Jury has been formed and sources say his eye is still on Karl Rove, whom President Bush has lovingly nicknamed "Turd Blossom." Perhaps that says it all! Rove's problem is that he has just had a hard time remembering which reporter he blabbered to at which time. Life does get complicated for busy little Turd Blossoms, it seems.

At the moment, we have so many governmental Defense Funds, it is difficult to keep the contributions straight. Vice President Cheney himself appeared at a Texas Fund Raiser aimed at raising money for Tom Delay's Defense Fund. I have heard that the goal is to send Tom and his entourage on another luxurious Caribbean golf outing just before trial, so that he will be refreshed. Jack Abramoff could not contribute to this goal, it is said, because rumor has it that he is depleting his resources with his own Defense Fund. In the meantime, the Scooter Libby Defense Fund is available for anyone wanting to contribute. One Congressmen suggested they just form one big, generalized Defense Fund and run a lottery....winner take all!

That's it for today, folks. Hermaland News will report again in the near future, bringing you the latest in depressing occurrences both at home and abroad.