Thursday, April 28, 2005


The HERMALAND News Service is one of the fastest growing in the nation. It is fair and balanced, and any article written by a White House reporter is dutifully recorded, IF the reporter promises to share his payoff with the HERMALAND staff. Here is the news of the day:

First, the Airbus 300. This airborne monstrosity is big news for those who wonder what holds a plane in the air in the first place. It is so huge that it could hold Tom Delay, his entourage, and all of their luggage. Jack Abramoff may even fit in the tail section, if he holds his stomach in. It can easily deposit this group for a luxurious trip to Russia or other places. However, one must be careful of the small islands in the Caribbean, lest the entire population be squashed under the weight of the plane. The Hammer may be used to squashing people, but this could be messy.

The new Bankruptcy Laws will put an end to those desperate cheaters who can't pay their bills. After 9/11, when the President advised everyone to relax and go shopping, he did not mean for them to charge every purchase. The poor credit card companies have been so pinched for cash, they can barely afford to send out those seventeen letters to each citizen weekly, offering zero percent interest and instant cash. Large corporations, however, will still be able to declare bankruptcy easily, thus save on such silly expenditures as pensions and salaries for their lowbrow staffs, saving necessary funds to cover the luxuries necessary for the CEO's and other executives.

It has been reported that a codicil will be added to the new Bankruptcy Law, called The Final Chapter, and it is said this will help ease the Health Crisis in this country. It will include the use of dark, damp and dingy Debtor's Prisons for credit card abusers. A few months of this climate and they won't even need the health insurance they can't afford to carry.

A scare took place at the White House recently. It was reported that an unauthorized plane was headed right toward the White House, so necessary precautions were taken. The President was whisked to a bunker, out of danger. The scare was found to be a false alarm.

However, since this incident was reported, it is said the White House has been deluged by phone calls from Iraq. It has been emphasized for all who have inquired that..(l.) No, the bunker is not for sale! (2) it is simply a safe, secure place, not a padded cell!

The President has announced some nifty ideas to help alleviate the oil shortage and hopefully lower gas prices when our great-grandchildren reach adulthood. The President recently held a meeting with the Saudi royalty, but seemed to get nowhere. Seems there was a slight mistake, and the Artist Formerly Known As Prince came to the meeting by mistake.

The President has suggested using unused fat to provide fuel for automobiles. Many doctors perked up at this suggestion, since disposing of liposuction fat has been a problem. The President also suggested old, abandoned military bases be used for building oil refineries. Some have suggested that he should have included other facilities that have felt the financial crunch of his leadership...old abandoned school buildings, old abandoned libraries, and old abandoned National Parks.

Al Gore made a speech recently and attacked the Christian Right for claiming that Democrats have a Culture of Death and are unGodly. "How dare they?" asked Gore indignantly, "How dare they?" Rumors are that Randall Terry has put Gore first on the list to be chased down. He has called on the National Guard to haul Gore away.

General Motors has announced it will close more factories and lay off some 7,000 people. This is an example of the Ownership Society's booming economy, as is Chryslers announcement it will build cars in the Orient. Stock prices have been down recently because of oil prices and layoffs, but rose recently following the news that it stopped raining for a few days in the Northeast. Like the rest of us, the stock market is desperate for good news these days, and there hasn't been a jump like this since it was announced Laura Bush has lost twenty pounds.

Bill Clinton has appeared on British television, stumping for his old pal, Tony Blair. Since the party opposing Blair are conservatives, Clinton warned the Britishers that, if the Conservatives are elected and if Blair is booted out, they could face the same fate as Americans. "Look at what happened to us in just four years," was the gist of his speech.

Diehard conservativies were aghast at Clinton's statement. They plan on holding a mass protest with every woman wearing a stained blue dress. This stained blue cloth has become the National Flag of the Christian Right, flown at half-staff on the anniversary of the Impeachment.

AMTRAK is having financial problems and may soon disappear if more money is not alloted for its purposes. New brakes might be the first thing on the agenda. More publicity to attract customers is needed, and some have suggested it would be very inexpensive to take over the AFLAC duck, since this creature could be easily taught to say AMTRAK instead. Liberal linguists object, stating that ducks have historically said only "QUACK", and that they need the duck for Anti-Bill Frist ads.

The filibuster is an endangered species, along with Freedom of Speech and other minor American freedoms. Republicans want to do away with the filibuster when it comes to judicial choices. They want the selections to be as fair and balanced as Fox News which, come to think about it, is just one big filibuster to begin with.

Howard Dean is at it again, calling Republicans "evil" and "looney" among other descriptions. Conservatives are objecting, pointing out that Howard Dean has obviously only been born once, and they say a person has to be Born Again to utter such words.

Well, that wraps it up for today, folks. The good news is...there is always more bad news to report. Reporting has always been my milieu, despite that offer from the Jackson camp offering me a job as Michael's umbrella holder. There will be more news coming in the near future, and remember, according to the Christian Right, God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman....well, you get the picture!