Friday, April 22, 2005


Dear Condoleeza,

Since I have not been able to speak to you in person, I thought I would write down my concerns about the rules of a Bush Rally. Our President has been touring the country, holding Town Meetings or Rallys, selling his Social Security Privatization Plan. But several items need correcting, in my estimation, so I thought I would jot them down for your perusal.

First, I would like to correct the Bush Pledge of Allegiance. Could we stop asking people to vow that they will be loyal to George Bush "until death do us part"? Frankly, Condi, this sounds something like a marriage vow...and, since some of our audience are men...we are skirting dangerously close to Gay Marriage. I would suggest that we ask people to vow allegiance to George Bush "until Hell freezes over". This, as you know, is not likely to take place, since the population of Hell has been growing feverishly with the behavior of these Demon Liberals, so the Hellfire is burning stronger than ever.

Now, the second thing is this, and I hope I do not sound discriminatory. It is very important that the correct people be seated directly behind the President. In the past, too many Senior Citizens have been placed there, and frankly, Condi, they are falling asleep during the speech. One of them was actually snoring, and this detracts from the image the President is trying to get across as a youthful, vigorous person. Try to enlist those people who can look eagerly alert at all times. The use of hatpins might also be considered, if they could be passed out along with our political brochures.

More applause might also help. When the President pauses in this speech, which we both know is quite often, as he searches for a word, then applause might fill in the silence. Holding up cue cards with the word "Applause" should be sufficient. If not, try using the words "Clap Hands Together!" Before the television cameras begin taping, it could be explained to the audience that this is simply a matter of raising the hands into the air and bringing them together with as loud a noise as possible. Really, Condi, it would help if we could find a slightly younger audience. I know the nursing homes have been kind enough to loan us people, but these explanations get tiresome.

I don't know who is in charge of all this, but he should be fired. It isn't enough that one or two people shout out "We're with you, Mr. President!" or "Thank God you are our President!"! It just isn't sufficient! Would it be possible to ask one or two of them to genuflect? I know that many in our audience are elderly and will have trouble bending the knees, but perhaps a dose of Advil just before the speech might help.

The Ten Commandments should be posted directly behind the President. All of that religious statuary is nice, but that painting of Jesus Casting Sinners into Hell behind the podium is just going too far, in my estimation. And please tell the Reverend to shorten that beginning prayer. A short invocation is fine, but we're not saving souls here, we're trying to privatize retirement funds. It will take more than prayer to sell this idea!

I know that we have been troubled by Democrats sneaking into our audiences! I can't believe they actually think they have a right to listen to our President! Can't they just pay their taxes and shut up? I know we have been plagued with Anti-Bush T-Shirts, and even Bumper Stickers! What next? Skywriting? Those people will do anything in their quest for Evil.

I suggest we start a rumor that those T-Shirts have been paid for by John Kerry and are sewn in a Chinese slave labor factory by children under the age of ten who work all day for a meal of rice and dog meat. We'll get the Church Faction going on this and ask Bill Frist to cook up an Ad.

Now, Condi, I have come to the real problems in our presentation. Could you possibly arrange for more rehearsals for Our President to go over his speech? The constant pauses, the stuttering, the staring into space....this is not good. We will simply have to take him through it another thousand times or so until he gets it right. The microphone in his ear was a good idea, but those Internet Bloggers caught onto it, so best not try it again.

Frankly, just between you and me, I haven't yet figured out what in hell he is talking about anyway. "Privatization" is a big word for him to attempt, and when he starts talking about stocks, bonds, mutuals, brokers....and "fixing it", the audience has rather confused expressions. It might be better if he threw in a line about weapons of mass destruction. This is familiar territory and it has been proven to work wonders.

Thank you, Condi, for taking the time to read my suggestions. As Chairman of the Adoration Committee, I find my job challenging and rewarding. Rumors that I chased my secretary down the hall of a hotel, throwing things at her, are just plain false. This is partisan nonsense, and should be disregarded. As soon as we get control of the judges, I intend to sue that secretary.