OF POLITICS, POUCHES AND DROWNING PRISONERS

I am so glad I am not George Bush! Well, I wouldn't mind some of his money to make my life a little easier and to be able to afford a ranch in which to cut brush and some kind of tool to cut it with, but I don't know if even that would be enough to make me want to be George Bush.

He has made a mess of things, no doubt about it. He said he would be the "Uniter" but, as the "Decider," he must have decided that he didn't want to unite, because everyone is at each other's throat and, in Congress, they are definitely in a stalemate, with nothing much being done.

They did raise the minimum wage, but the Republicans were balky about that. I mean, you don't want to throw money around the peasantry, anyone knows that. Give them too much leeway, and they might just rise up against you, getting the idea that they are royalty or something. It seemed to the Republicans that anyone making a little over five bucks an hour ought to be happy with the largesse that fate had handed him. Giving this person two dollars more would be dangerous. Besides, those lowclass bums would just have their hands out for more!

Anyway, they did pass the minimum wage, so we peasantry can look forward to that windfall. At the same time, President Bush made it difficult for Middle Class people to find medical help for their children. After all, if you are Middle Class, you shouldn't be on the public dole. The trick is trying to find out just where Poor ends and Middle Class begins. I believe it was decided that, if you have curtains on the windows of your abode and have not draped old housecoats or old ragged bathtowels over the curtain rods, you are Middle Class.

Besides the War, George Bush has made a mess of Katrina. Well, to be fair, let's admit that he didn't personally gouge down those levees, but he didn't help much when they did cave in. He left it to Brownie, who usually did a heckofa job. How was George Bush to know that Brownie was busy e-mailing people and didn't have time to send out those rescuers?

But then, two years have passed since Katrina, Brownie is history, and New Orleans is still battered and bruised. What does George Bush say about this, I ask you? Who's in charge here? After all, we've put millions of dollars into this rebuilding project. Has anyone checked on Brownie? Is he lounging in Bermuda with our rebuilding funds? Or maybe it's that bald-headed fellow that looks like a cross between a Russian spy and a German butcher, named Chertoff. Maybe somebody gave the money to the Arab Emirates. I read where they have a great ski palace there in the middle of the desert. That may be where Karl Rove is headed, too!

Then, there is Michael Vick and that heartbreaking story of the racing dogs who were deemed failures and drowned, or hung. That sounds like Iraq, doesn't it? Maybe even Guantanamo, where waterboarding is so delightful! Just dip the prisoners into water until they think their lungs are bursting. Do they do it with the same glee that Vick and his friends showed for their dog-racing venture? Some guys just wanna have fun!

Now, one might say the rats are deserting the sinking ship. Yep, Karl Rove is gone....how far he has gone, I don't know. He's probably holed up somewhere, managing the next Republican campaign from afar. He probably has all of those missing e-mails in his pouch. All politicians have a pouch. One doesn't want to call it a "purse," that's too effeminate. All diplomatic messages are delivered by "pouch."

Alberto Gonzales finally called it quits. He probably can't remember why. He said "I don't recall" more times than I do, and I'm getting ready to celebrate my 77th birthday. Alberto should probably take his One-a-Day vitamins two or three times daily to improve his memory.

All of the formerly loyal friends of George Bush are deserting him, except Dick Cheney. He's determined to stay, even though some people want to impeach him. Others prefer parboiling. Cheney says he isn't a part of the Administration anyway, so he doesn't have to resign....nor does he have to obey a Congressional subpoena. We should probably make him our 51st State, the State of Dick Cheney. No tourists, though, because he is in an Undisclosed Location.

Then, there is that awful War that George Bush fibbed a bit to get started. Can one really blame him for that? There was all that luscious oil beckoning, and the Base wanted War, because they want Israel to have the ancient Biblical lands. Then, too, he kept getting encouragement for the war from the State of Dick Cheney, whose only residents were the members of the Iraq Study Group. Is it George's fault that they didn't study enough?

There's chaos in Iraq, as usual, and some folks want Maliki to resign. Maliki is a Democratic president in a Democracy that doesn't bother to listen to dissenting voices. Dissenters are killed, after they are tortured. Heads roll in that Democracy! Lots of people don't stay around to be beheaded, having gotten used to having heads, so two million of them are leaving the country, along with their heads. Not to worry, though! Our Congress has given permission for 7,000 of them to come to the United States. We can tuck them in somewhere, in between the twelve million Mexicans.

All in all, I am glad I am not George Bush. I don't even want to be Laura Bush. She's too quiet and ladylike for me. I tell you, folks, this has to be a facade. We wives are not that sweet. It is against the laws of nature to be so quiet and sweet and walk two feet behind your husband. In private, we wives nag. We would prod George about his low poll ratings, and yell about being left alone while he went to Prayer Breakfast. We would say that Condoleezza Rice is just too adoring.

But then, perhaps good Republican wives are different from Democratic wives. Maybe Republican wives even carry a "pouch."