THINGS I WISH PEOPLE COULD SAY

President Bush - I am the Decider and there's nothing to decide. I'm right and you're wrong. I decided that a long time ago and there's no need to decide anything else, no matter how much of a mess I make of things.

Greeter to Customer - Good morning. I see you are here to waste your money on this cheap Chinese crap again. Have a nice day!

Employer to Applicant - Truthfully, I wouldn't hire you to sweep the floors. That Illegal Immigrant will work harder for less money, money I can put in my pocket.

Letter from Guantanamo Water Department - Dear Sirs, we know you need water for Waterboarding and other torturous endeavors, but this bill simply has to be paid.

Applicant to Employer - If it weren't for that pitiful paycheck that I need, I wouldn't sweep the floors in this hellhole.

Gift Recipient to Giver - Why do you always give me this junk? Look at this, Made in Taiwan, and it was evidently made to fit a Barbie doll instead of me! Take it back!

Patient to Doctor - You have left me sitting in this cubicle for an hour...and NOW you come marching in. I haven't even finished reading the posters on the wall or stealing the tongue depressors. So march yourself out of here and come back later!

Auto Owner to Auto Companies - Don't tell me your troubles, I have troubles of my own! Did you ever hear of the old adage...the more people you lay off, the less cars you sell?

Wife to Viagra Manufacturers - A four hour erection? That might be worth risking a blind husband!

Debtor to Collection Company - I have not paid your bill for one reason. I have no money. If you would like to loan me some money, I will happily pay off this loan.

Osama to George Bush - HA! HA! HA!

Unemployment Applicant to Agency Worker - You mean I didn't dot that i and cross that T, which makes me unqualified? What jerk made up these ridiculous rules?

Customer to Taco Bell Owner - I'll take the e-Coli Supreme, with hot Botulism sauce and double flesh eating bacteriosos. And don't bother washing your hands.

Detainee to Torturers - Sure, I know Osama. I masterminded the whole thing. I'm guilty as hell and I can pinpoint all of the terrorists. Now get that dog out of my face and let me dry off!

Voter to Dick Cheney - I would like to suggest a few companions for your next hunting trip......

Letter from China to United States - Because of your late payments, we feel it necessary to raise the interest rates on your loan. But if you need more livers or kidneys, our market is flooded with merchandise.

Homeowner to Fuel Supplier - Since your prices have risen drastically, beyond my capacity to pay for your product, from now on, I will use your collection notices to heat my home, so keep them coming.

Uninformed Average Citizen Commenting on News - Why take down the Christmas Tree? Menorrah? Isn't that a venereal disease?

Scrooge - I never said "Bah Humbug!" I said, "I ain't got enough money for these effing Christmas gifts," but they fined me $500,000 for profanity and took away my license."

Santa Claus - If these Pro-Lifers don't stop pushing pregnancy, I'm going to need a bigger sleigh, more reindeer, and cheap Illegal Alien elves.