LETTERS YOU DON'T WANT TO RECEIVE

President Kennedy, I believe it was, said "life is just one damned thing after another!". One of the aggravating things about life, and there are so many they are impossible to list, is the letters one receives that can take the bright sunshine from the sky and cover your existence with looming gray clouds. Sometimes one wonders why we bother to go to that mailbox or postal box at all! Let the missives pile up in a mountainous collection of various sizes and descriptions! Let that bad news sit in the Post Office, lest their delivery of aggravation causes us all to "go Postal". Who needs these needles poking at us daily, reminding us of the precarious state of human happiness? But, instead of doing this, we all trudge dutifully to that collection point and add to our miseries.

As a public service, I have compiled a short list of those letters we do not want to receive, but cannot ignore.

Dear Sir, According to our IRS records, your last tax return did not reflect the correct amount of money earned for the past three years.........

Dear John, I don't know how to tell you this and I assure you I will always have feeling in my heart for you, but I have met this perfectly wonderful fellow and he and I have.......

Dear Mr. Jones, Viewing the x-rays of your son's teeth and other dental records, I recommend immediate placement of braces, to avoid further movement of his front teeth which, as you know, are rather prominently protrusive...

Dear Mr. Jones, Unfortunately the warranty on your car has expired and will not cover the extensive repairs needed on its engine.........

Dear Sir, Due to rising fuel costs and your apparent use of fuel, your home heating bill will reflect a rise in your payment. May we refer you to our Home Heating Help List, which is included in this bill?

Dear Sir - After Laboratory testing, we regret to inform you that the pills found in your daughter's coat pocket are not, as you suggested, Tic Tacs.

Dear Mr. Jones - As principal, I regret the fact that John's grades have not improved during the last semester and are sorry the Tutor did not help. We recommend another year of.......

Dear Mr. Jones - Please be advised that we commend your forty years of service to Anonymous, Inc. and want you to know that, as a trusted and valued employee, you will receive a valuable gold-plated watch inscribed with your very own name, to reflect our admiration for your contributions.....

Dear Mr. Jones - Since our town Council received the news of your wife's impending delivery of quads, we have voted unanimously to send you a full year's supply of diapers, baby aspirin, diarrhea medication and Prozac...

Dear Mr. Jones - Your share of the expenses incurred by the recent vandalism that took place in the library of our school and was participated in by your adolescent son, John, is as follows...

Dear Mr. Jones - Our Neighborhood Beautification Society has a responsibility to the homeowners in our area. We regret that your lawn and shrubbery reflect months of neglect and do not live up to the high standards required in our little community....

Dear Mr. Jones - Our Sweet Haven Nursing Home staff have informed me that, since her placement here, your mother has escaped four times, slugged three Nurse's Aides, and has thrown her food across our cafeteria. We recommend you find new placement immediately...

Dear Mr. Jones - All tests indicate that your recurring tic and constant trembling is not brought on by physical ailment, but is indicative of Stress. I strongly recommend that you learn the relaxation exercises laid out for you by my staff. May I also mention the fact that your insurance does not cover these complaints and.................